The Big 30's, Chinese New Year, Retards of Z Rock, no alcohol for FCA, MP3's from U2 and The Doves...oh yes, and we've paid the lecky.

Welcome to the most sober report ever written for Cheonan Station. Due to outrageous behaviour commited over the weekend, FCA was found guilty by a unanimous verdict at the H&D Songjongdong Anti-Social Behaviour Courts. Hence, the delay to the weekly report (nothing to do with an unpaid utility bill, although this had an adverse effect on weekly business). The resulting sentence was a complete ban on alcohol for 7 days, which thankfully concludes on Friday evening. More of that later. Right, what's been going on in Cheonan in the last couple of weeks? Fecking loads. Lets funk n groove... The Chinese New Year holiday got off to a relaxing start in Red Eye bar with an announcement from Webmaster informing all that whilst he and the good lady were in Seoul, they er...got married. Well, I suppose that's more original than hanging out in The Reggae Bar for the afternoon. Many hearty congratulations to the lovely pair. The night also witnessed the rare and welcome appearance of the New Brunswick Beardy One and his mate. However, they were unable to confirm the whereabouts of a decent crack-cocaine dealer in Cheonan, so their presence was surplus to requirements in the end. The night concluded with FCA and better half falling on their arses outside a nearby LG25. Tuesday night saw another welcome return to Club Gudanji and a pulsating set from DJ Croweface, which was totally unappreciated by everybody (especially the Canadian Female Catastrophe, she was too busy trying to organise her hair, eyebrows, eyelids, nose, mouth, teeth and possibly her rear end, better not say anymore in case of possible legal action from Cheonan Craic). FCA was pissed and played a pile of cack. His dancing antics behind laptop were not much better. Better things next time hopefully. Webgal 2 made history by not insulting anybody, although she did mention about somebody being a f66666g b999h later in the evening. Yes, I agree. Camilla Parker-Bowles should know better. The whole of Cheonan descended upon that cauldron of social disasters that is Z Rock on Saturday night to celebrate the birthdays of UK6 and The Derry Delight. Full ammends for their debut appearance were made by the band with a cracking rendition of Boys Dont Cry by The Cure, much to the delight of Somerset Boy. Bangtastic. Whatever next? FCA cant wait for the cover versions of "F**k the mods" by The Exploited and Anarchy in the UK by the Pistols. The night concluded in highly bizarre circumstances with a strange man approaching FCA and asking whether he would take part in a fight, yes a fight, to decide who would walk away with FCA's girlfriend. What is this? Has Z Rock turned into a Wild West saloon bar? Who was that strange retard anyway? A bit of advice for that person. Charm, kindness and a sense of humour wins a woman, not your fists or otherwise. Go back to the cave and start again you fool. Unfortunately thats precisely what FCA did and he proceeded to launch into a volley of expletives and mindless drunken threats outside the Beer Cabin. The resulting sentence of an alcohol ban was totally deserved. Friday cant come quick enough... Noticeboard: Another interview on the way. FCA is attempting to line up an interview with the enigmatic Zoltan PJ, apologies for any spelling incorrections.

Coming soon...the return to Cheonan of the former guitarist of 88mph, The Montreal Maestro. Fresh from his jaunts across Thailand and the Indian Ocean (including a brief stop in Eastern India to assist with the Tsunami aid efforts), he will no doubt stop for a drink or two and collect his coffee making machine.

MP3's: The Doves- Black and White Town U2- Sometimes you cant make it on your own The Kills- The Good Ones Peace Division- What is the sound? Source feat Candi Staton- You got the love (2005 remix) fullcheeseahead@gmail.com

Misstress Barbara, Norah Jones, Marilyn Manson, FCA & MC Crowface Live at Gudanji, Friday & Saturday night antics and some MP3's that no-one will like.

Take a relaxing week off and what happens. I come back to find that the PR Team have "soiled" the weekly report with over-opinionated claptrap. Sounds familiar! So here's some more...

After last week's highly anticipated launch of The Cheonan Craic, it's been a relatively quiet week for those feisty Webgals. Only two couples so far have offered profiles for the Cheonan Challenge, but with just two weeks to go to the big event, more returned profiles are expected. FCA was honoured to be invited to a Webgals VIP post launch party in Song-Jong-Dong on Friday night, where much wine was consumed. The toilet was practically destroyed by the Cookstown Tyre Slasher in a projectile vomit frenzy that sent Webgal 1 rushing to the LG25 to purchase 7 more bottles of wine in order to avoid the resulting stink. Good on ya girl. The late arrival of the Bronx Beer Monster ensured the partying went well into the night. Unfortunately, the return of the weekly Friday meeting slot didnt quite go according to plan with only a handful of bods showing up at SSan bar in town. However, FCA predicts this will be a great success in the long run and congratulates the Webmaster for laying down the roots for this new meet-up. Saturday night saw some wise Cheonan souls escaping to Seoul for drinking shenanigans whilst back at base, a quiet night in Z Rock for the Webgals posse was evident. Or was it? Reliable sources at the PR dept categorically state that Webgal 2 was the source of some keen attention from several potential replacements for the Moosejaw Love Machine. Ahhh... The price of fame eh? Webgal 1's whereabouts deep into the night also remains unaccounted for. It seems she successfully shook off chasing FCA agents in their attempts to gain an exclusive scandal scoop. No further information is available at this time.

NOTICE BOARD: Fantastic! FCA has another appearance lined up for the Lunar Holiday, appearing at Club Gudanji on Tuesday 8th February. Special guests will include the ever reliable MC Lorr and breakbeat/hip-hop newcomer MC Crowface. FCA will attempt a somewhat more serious set this time around, incorporating some of the delights Stateside, trip-hop, R&B, intelligent techno on the menu. More information will be available on the Cheonan Craic soon.

Up and coming events in Seoul: 2nd Feb: Marilyn Manson, Olympic Hall 12th Feb: Misstress Barbara "Queen of Techno" (GodsKitchen). The Italian born hardhouse and techno knobtwister (no, not those kind of knobs. Mind you, if you take a look at www.02pro.com, you'd want her to.) will be playing Club 0TWO, Hongdae. 5th March: Norah Jones, 7.30pm, Convention Hall, 3rd Floor, CO-EX, Samseong-Dong. More details of this soon on the FCA Report.

MP3 Grooves: Quite a lot this week, some exciting new releases from the USA and UK and a reminder of a simply beautiful record that was mentioned last week. Lazyboy- Police Dog's Bonfire The bizarre title does not reflect this hauntingly beautiful Gaelic style electro dance record. A download must. Commander Tom- Attention (original mix) Ashanti- Only U Kyau vs Albert- Made in Sun Lemon Jelly- The Shouty Track (do these guys know how to make a bad record? Another classic to go along with Stay With You and In the Bath.) Ashlee Simpson- La La (Ha ha! This rocks!!!!) Have a relaxing week Cheonanites.

fullcheeseahead@gmail.com

HI!!!!!! I'm Samantha! I'm 25, I've got long straight blond hair, wear Gucci stylish black glasses, drive a Ford Ka (ok, I know, it's not cool but it doesnt matter cos my boyfriend Steve, he's an IT manager by the way drives a BMW convertible) and I'm the PR consultant for FCA!!!! I love Robbie Willams, clubbin, shopping and watching Eastenders! This week I'm doing the FCA Report with my manager, Vicky cos the boss is away on special leave. It's so exciting!! Me and Vic cant stand FCA, he's such a wanker. I mean Vic's alrite, she's a bit of a control freak sometimes and she's a bit rusty at the mo cos she's just got back from sabbatical covering Manumission in Ibiza, so I'll probably do most of the talking. Besides, I'm so much more clued up than her about the clubscene, she's a bit of a handbag dancer. Her boyfriend's an arse as well. All she talks about is how many shelves he put up last Sunday after they spent £3000 down Ikea. Well me and Steve spent loads more, and we went to House of Fraser. Only plebs go to Ikea.

Samantha, shut up... Hi..My name's Victoria and thankfully Samantha's only a temp and is leaving next week. Her replacement is Julian, he's wears really cool clothes and he's going to be SO much better at the job than Samantha. He used to work at Toni & Guy's, so he's got all the right credentials for the job. Anyway, I'm the PR Manager here at FCA. Many apologies to you all as I'm sure you're all expecting a witty, "informed" and hard-hitting review of life in the social capital of Korea that is Cheonan. The boss is away this week so I have stepped in to cover at the last minute. Unfortunately, Samantha in her all knowing wisdom forgot to send out agents to cover any debauchery or even anything for us to talk about. Anyway, my time is short so I will get straight to the point (besides, I've got an interview with Paul Oakenfold at 12, and yes, I have shagged him). Here is the FCA Report, 25/01.2005:

Many, many congratulations to the Webgals for their fantastic new website. It's SO sexy and eye-catching, I really love it. Dont worry girls, I've already got your tickets for Ascot when you get back next year. If you want to do the Regatta as well just let me know. Wimbledon is a no-go though darlings, the boss got thrown out of Centre Court for showing his private parts to Anna Kournikova after drinking 7 bottles of champagne and snorting 6 g's of coke. He's such an arse sometimes. We did however get some feedback from contacts at Z Rock who gave rave reviews for the Dinky Cutie Phillipino Singer Who Nobody Fancies. By all accounts she did a beautiful rendition of Whitney Houston's "I will always love you". Personally, I dont think Whitney's cut it since "I wanna dance with somebody" and she should never have got it together with Bobby Brown in the first place. Anyway, she (Phillipino) received standing ovations from watching Cheonan Massive members (apart from that Canadian chap, he was stumbling a little, but he's bloody sexy if he's the one I think he is..definitely shag him.). Right, well thats about it. Back to real work for me next week. Hopefully, that prat of a boss of ours will be able to run his own column without me having to step in and do his dirty work for him. Besides, I've got my own dirty work to do. Oh Paul darling!! How are you?? You look fantastic!! How was Manumission this year? Of course...I'd love to have dinner... BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Oh hold on Paul, completely forgot..here's some crap music for all you lovely Cheonan people to listen to this week...

Lazyboy- Police Dog's Bonfire Beverley Knight- Come as you are A Guy Called Gerald- Voodoo Ray 2005

2 new websites? One for FCA and one for the Army of Skanks?? What a controversial week it's been in Cheonan...a good time to send an honest and entirely objective FCA agent to unravel the truth. Or to just stir it up even more.

Let's rock... Famed for his hiking antics and awesome cover drives on Daechon Beach, the original UK1 dominated social events this week with his farewell house party bash. FCA took to the mouse for a solo performance, playing a various set of nonsense with poptastic contributions from Erasure (details of their long awaited comeback single in mp3 grooves below), Chumbawumba, Blur, B52's, Buck's Fizz (a genuine mistake, clicked the wrong line, but wasnt it good? "You gotta speed it up, then you gotta slow it down..awesome), The Velvet Underground and Lauryn Hill..now that's variety. Things got a bit stressful with time limits and demands for beatnik stoner pop (Beck, sorry, was about to play Devil's Haircut but the speeches had to take place) was evident..not surprising with the whiff of North Africa's finest export circulating the airways. Many thanks to the Doneghal FF for holding the fort whilst taking a break from the "Have you got..?" enthusiasts. However, the FCA team hopes everyone got something out of it. The music that is. After a balloon hiking landmark prize game, which was won by that nice American chap who likes Stevie Wonder, it was over to UK 1 and the Webmaster for a farewell speech. However, this was marred by a certain UK female caught watching pornography on FCA's laptop by none other than FCA himself. Shocked and deeply saddened by this discovery, FCA continued to play bravely despite dwelling over the lack of morals displayed by certain Cheonan members. During the Webmaster's speech as well. Shocking. And so it was announced after Webmaster's speech. A new website from the Army of Skanks will be unleashed in the near future. Designed to be a subsidiary to the current Cheonan Station, the curtain will be raised with a Valentine's couples event whereby male and female contestants will compete in pairs in arduous and mysterious tasks for the prize of King and Queen of Cheonan. The nation awaits...FCA would like to say just one thing: it's good to see the girls pitching in and doing something. Best of luck.

The party moved on to a noraebang in town where tempers got slightly frayed by some accounts. Unfortunately the FCA team failed to place an agent at strategic locations, but quite frankly who cares. What happened to the old days when everyone just shagged each other instead? Bring back the Moosejaw Love Machine and the Texas Heartbreaker. Peace and love an all that. Right that's enough of Cheonan. Irish Lovemeister 2, what's the craic? U2? Great band. Queued up for 25 hours to see them play at Earl's Court in 1993 on the ZooTV tour, awesome. Over to you sir...

U2- "How to dismantle an atomic bomb" An album review by Irish Lovemeister 2: "Not being a hardcore music fan, I approached this review with some trepidation so here goes. I suppose I would be fairly typical of the average U2 fan in that respect; like the band we've never been cool or fashionable. U2's long awaited new album HOW TO DISMANTLE AN ATOMIC BOMB was finally released in November 2004; since the THE JOSHUA TREE U2 fans have come to expect the four year cycle of hype, album, tour, rest, so in reality to have to wait four years since ALL THAT YOU CAN'T LEAVE BEHIND is no surprise. No questions there were difficulties however; this album was supposed to see the light of day in Autumn of 2003, but the band weren't happy with some of the cuts so they eventually brought in WAR producer Steve Lillywhite to put the finishing touches on. The dream team of Brian Eno and Daniel Lanois that delivered THE JOSHUA TREE and ACHTUNG BABY amongst others, are also credited on the album along with Flood and Nellee Hooper who were the main influences behind the "unfinished" 1997 POP. Of course, Bono's venture into the world of debt relief may have delayed things further, but even some in the band wouldnt want him in the studio for every minute of the recording process. As with every new U2 album their aim was to start again with a blank sheet notwithstanding the carry over songs from previous sessions. One of these is SOMETIMES YOU CANT MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN, a ballad about the singer's father who died during the Elevation Tour, that with the help of Steve Lillywhite was finally finished off this time. I dont however intend to dissect each song, suffice to say that with each U2 song here, as on most of their songs, there is a great hook that brings the listener back. There are some great riffs from Edge's guitar, the opening of ALL BECAUSE OF YOU being one(the next USA single release); whether these are rehashed efforts from past glories or not, one can speculate. They've never been ashamed, to their credit, of aspiring to a mass audience and this is probably as commercially sounding as U2 will get. VERTIGO is a rocking opener, but isnt really characteristic of the album as a whole and the most surprising track is the catchy R&B sounding A MAN AND A WOMAN. Granted this album rarely reaches the heights of THE JOSHUA TREE or ACHTUNG BABY but let's face it U2, or any other band for that matter are never going to write another masterpiece like those two. Nevertheless, this is their best work since ACHTUNG BABY and presumably the songs will take on a life of their own when the band gets out on the road. With a few notable exceptions, U2 have always sounded better live than in the studio and the songs from this album will be no different. U2 are due to play in Japan next Autumn where they havnt played since the POPMART tour and while there are no firm plans to come to Korea where they're never played, keep an eye out for the tour dates to be announced soon. Paul McGuinness has been locked in negotiations with Cheonan city officials for an open-air gig in Samgeori Park, in Chusok 2005 supported by up and coming local outfit, 88mph. Other bands rumoured to be opening for U2 on the US and European dates include The Thrills and Snow Patrol." IL2, 13/01/2005

Thank you IL2 for that informative review of U2's latest offering. We'll keep our eyes peeled for those tour dates. This week's MP3 groove list is one re-release and an exciting new release from a veteran pop duo. Next week, the FCA should be moving to their new home, for more gossip and scandal. Hopefully, we'll try and grab hold of the Army of Skanks for a brief chat about their new website plans, keep you informed on that one. Keep cool Cheonanites. The heat is rising...

MP2 Grooves: Erasure- Breathe Urban Cookie Collective- The Key, The Secret (2005 remix) fullcheeseahead@gmail.com

Part Two

Jennifer and Brad splitting. What do you think? Who do you reckon dumped who? Or was it amicable? Not sure about Brad and Jennifer, interestingly enough, myself and our lovely manager/chief roadie/sound engineer/erotic dancer, USA 1 were discussing this just last night. However, I cant really comment on the relationship as me and Brad havn't been on speaking terms since we last got drunk in Vegas on the last tour- was great fun as I seem to remember but he just doesn't have a sense of humour and...well...needless to say he just couldnt keep up with the rock'n'roll antics, and in short...he cant handle his drugs. Enough said there I think. I did enjoy his performance in Ocean's 12 last Saturday though and I dont think he'll be single for long.

What has been your favourite performance to date? My personal favourite performance has to be the legendary wedding concert we performed for our good friend and mentor, The Englishman RF in Cheonan's Samgeoori Park Stadium. A fantastic day, a beautiful open air wedding and a very beautiful JJ all topped off with a great party in the park. The audience were great and the gatecrashers were both supportive and provided lights (Mr Motorcycle, we thank whoever you are). In addition to the dancing by some of our hardcore fans (thank you former webmaster and girlfriend), we were fortunate to have the infamous "Let's Dance Horsebox" Irish Lovemeister 1 on guest vocals for the encore of "elderly woman behind the counter" Yes, that was my favourite gig, great people, great backdrop of mountains and sunsets. Hopefully, there'll be a repeat performance upon the Englishman RF's return to the land of the morning calm.

What is your favouite bus terminal in Seoul. Nambu or Express? My favourite bus terminal in Seoul? You must be joking mate, we had our own luxury tour bus, once a fine sleek machine called 'silver' (incidentally powered the open air Samgeoori wedding gig) although Silver was stolen and subsequently lost by "Have you seen my car" Irish Lovemeister 1. Twas a sad day when we discovered the disappearance, especially the loss of the rollerblades. Now we only travel by train, we have our own KTX with onboard swimming pool, steam room and cinema and we travel everywhere in supreme luxury. However, my fav bus terminal would probably be the 'express terminal'- I'm very fond of the architecture there and the way the buses park up in perfect lines, magical...yes. How do you feel about the loss of the Wolly & Bolly? Well, she's gone but not lost there'll always be a place in our hearts, especially the 88's hearts. I believe that the W&B was the first meeting place of the original line-up of Singing Irishman, WHBM and myself and we've shared a lot of ideas, history and soju there. I'll never be able to look upon a set of alloys again without shedding a little tear.

Got any pills mate? Next...

So here it is...the question we all want to ask. When will the next 88mph stadium sellout gig take place? Are you supporting Sting? What about the new album? That's 3 questions isnt it? Well, we invited Sting to support us on the first leg of the tour but he was busy himself, we wish him well and the best of luck. Sting was one of my influences growing up in the UK and he remains my favourite bassist (except the really hot gothic chick from White Zombie/Rob Zombie). We're still awaiting the response from some of the invited artists regarding the support band, we'd really like to get some big names in to help promote some of the lesser known local bands we like to introduce to our fans (local bands can contact the fanclub directly submitting demo cd's/ MP3's...no vinyl please.). All questions about the new album and setlist will be unveiled at the press conference after the first concert...all I can say (sorry to tease) but it will be somewhere in Cheonan at some point in February. Thank you FCA for your continued support and we'll see you at the aftershow party next month.

Cheers mate... .....about those pills...what can you get? And thank you, 88mph! We look forward to the first gig with the new material and line-up.

This week's MP3 selection, as an homage to 88mph, features some great guitar and indie classics from the 80's and early 90's. Enjoy. Next week, FCA welcomes guest writer, The Irish Lovemeister 2, to give a review of the latest U2 offering "How to dismantle an atomic bomb" as well as a report of the leaving party of everyone's favourite long suffering Cheonan resident from England. Have a great week Cheonanites. MP3 Grooves: Fields of the Nephilim- "Preacher Man" All About Eve- "Martha's Harbour" The Pixies- "River Euphrates" Pop will eat itself- "Def Con One" Ride- "Chelsea Girl" The Cult- "Spiritwalker" Jesus Jones- "Info Freako" Julian Cope- "World shut your mouth" Sonic Youth- "Sugar Kane" The Stone Roses- "Waterfall" (album version) My Bloody Valentine- "Soon" and of course.. Tracy Chapman- "Baby, Can I hold you tonight"

fullcheeseahead@gmail.com

On the Scene with FCA

Dogged by endless line-up changes, musical indifference and that infamous snub from Cheonan's premier rock venue, Z Rock, 88mph leadman, Somerset Boy is here to reveal the truth. 88 mph are back... Welcome to this very special edition of the FCA report. The 88mph Interview Part One, 7th January-10th January 2005 :

Who are your main influences when composing material for 88mph? "Well, thats a fair question and I suppose I would have to limit our influences somewhat. OK, here goes and in no particular order. Musically the guitar riffs have always been inspired by 60's folk rock and 80's-90's gothic rock bands. Such names as Fairport Convention, The Mission, The Cure (a pop band really) and I suppose All About Eve have had a huge impact on the way I write songs. The guitar for me is an important songwriting tool, as is a pen and paper and more essentially some experiences to write about. Lyrically, there have been no real 'musical' influences. I enjoy song lyrics but it's been a while since I really sat down and listened to them, for me the music is what grasps my attention the most. Lyrics are important in any song but it's what they actually mean to the listener- the way we interpret them, that makes a song 'good'. I could list some of my fav songs here and people would laugh at me for some of the choices. The songs I write about are usually very personal to me or about people I care deeply about. Having said that some of the newer material we're experimenting with has taken on a more 'amusing' approach than what many of our fans are used to hearing from the 88's. Look out for some funny songs about everyday things in the near future. In essence though, good lyrics should be defined by the mood or subject of the song- there are plenty of good songwriters out there but for me the most important lyricists are (again, in no particular order): Kate Bush, Tori Amos, Wesley Willis, Wayne Hussey, Kate Bush, Carl McCoy, Robert Smith, Tim Finn, Julianne Reagan, Marty Wilson Piper, Joni Mitchell, Kate Bush, David Bowie, Mark Cohn, Trent Reznor...........um......oh yeah, Tarrantella Serpentine, Polly Harvey, Kate Bush and the late Bob Heaton (NMA).

What would you rather do, be a global rockstar with heaps of groupies wanting to jump on your chilli pepper and give you lots of free drugs, or be an EFL teacher in Cheonan? The reason I chose to come to Cheonan was to get away from the meat grinder (no pun intended) and do some real writing and gain some cultural experiences of the Far East. Korea seemed to be a good starting point and I had friends and family there-well I 'did' The whole drinking, shagging and getting wasted every night of the week (and everyday) can take it's toll and even becomes boring after a while. I think Wayne G summed up the lifestyle well enough in his classic song "Twisted", but I have to admit it was getting harder to keep up with all those parties. This little excursion into teaching and actually 'owning' a proper job is to get real down to earth experiences- to remind myself what it's like being..well, erm...poor I suppose. I have met some great people here and I hope they will stay in touch over the years-there'll always be a place on the guest list for the Masssive members. Sometimes though I miss the old days, but another year should see the current project off it's feet and it's back on the hard stuff for a whirlwind global tour. Got any brown M & M's?

How do you feel about the current line up of 88mph? The current line-up has been a difficult and long process to put together after the sad loss of the White Handbag Man and the Irishman (the gimchi incident was a great and deeply shocking event for all concerned) the band was almost doomed to failure but Canada 2, the new guitarist has proved to be a worthy successor to the mighty WHBM on the six string and a great compliment to myself on the 12 string. It's nice that he has some very different musical influences to and as a result he brought a 'new sound' to the band. On lead vocals, we have the Cherub faced Scotsman or as we prefer to call him 'Deep Throat Owski', a vocal gladiator hailing from the darkest depths of 'bonnie' Scotland. A possible new addition might be in the from of the multi-talented angel voiced Canadian Female Catastrophe, although due to certain commitments in her life she has been unfortunately, unable to attend band rehearsals so we're a little unsure if she'll be performing on the first leg of the new tour. Both new members have the enthusiasm to continue the band and we are very happy with the new style and sound.

Would you ever consider performing a cover of "Reach for the Stars" by S Club 7 (an alltime FCA fave)? S Club 7, well I must confess I actually really like them. As you may be aware me and Rachel Stevens used to have a thing a few years back (the NME gobbled it up like a starving fluffer at a sperm bank) but both our band commitments meant we were seeing less of each other so we had to end the relationship- we're still great friends and to be honest I'd be delighted to cover one of the tracks in the 88 style. Would be fun to get her and 'Jo' in on backing vocals or maybe for a video shoot.