HI!!!!!! I'm Samantha! I'm 25, I've got long straight blond hair, wear Gucci stylish black glasses, drive a Ford Ka (ok, I know, it's not cool but it doesnt matter cos my boyfriend Steve, he's an IT manager by the way drives a BMW convertible) and I'm the PR consultant for FCA!!!! I love Robbie Willams, clubbin, shopping and watching Eastenders! This week I'm doing the FCA Report with my manager, Vicky cos the boss is away on special leave. It's so exciting!! Me and Vic cant stand FCA, he's such a wanker. I mean Vic's alrite, she's a bit of a control freak sometimes and she's a bit rusty at the mo cos she's just got back from sabbatical covering Manumission in Ibiza, so I'll probably do most of the talking. Besides, I'm so much more clued up than her about the clubscene, she's a bit of a handbag dancer. Her boyfriend's an arse as well. All she talks about is how many shelves he put up last Sunday after they spent £3000 down Ikea. Well me and Steve spent loads more, and we went to House of Fraser. Only plebs go to Ikea.

Samantha, shut up... Hi..My name's Victoria and thankfully Samantha's only a temp and is leaving next week. Her replacement is Julian, he's wears really cool clothes and he's going to be SO much better at the job than Samantha. He used to work at Toni & Guy's, so he's got all the right credentials for the job. Anyway, I'm the PR Manager here at FCA. Many apologies to you all as I'm sure you're all expecting a witty, "informed" and hard-hitting review of life in the social capital of Korea that is Cheonan. The boss is away this week so I have stepped in to cover at the last minute. Unfortunately, Samantha in her all knowing wisdom forgot to send out agents to cover any debauchery or even anything for us to talk about. Anyway, my time is short so I will get straight to the point (besides, I've got an interview with Paul Oakenfold at 12, and yes, I have shagged him). Here is the FCA Report, 25/01.2005:

Many, many congratulations to the Webgals for their fantastic new website. It's SO sexy and eye-catching, I really love it. Dont worry girls, I've already got your tickets for Ascot when you get back next year. If you want to do the Regatta as well just let me know. Wimbledon is a no-go though darlings, the boss got thrown out of Centre Court for showing his private parts to Anna Kournikova after drinking 7 bottles of champagne and snorting 6 g's of coke. He's such an arse sometimes. We did however get some feedback from contacts at Z Rock who gave rave reviews for the Dinky Cutie Phillipino Singer Who Nobody Fancies. By all accounts she did a beautiful rendition of Whitney Houston's "I will always love you". Personally, I dont think Whitney's cut it since "I wanna dance with somebody" and she should never have got it together with Bobby Brown in the first place. Anyway, she (Phillipino) received standing ovations from watching Cheonan Massive members (apart from that Canadian chap, he was stumbling a little, but he's bloody sexy if he's the one I think he is..definitely shag him.). Right, well thats about it. Back to real work for me next week. Hopefully, that prat of a boss of ours will be able to run his own column without me having to step in and do his dirty work for him. Besides, I've got my own dirty work to do. Oh Paul darling!! How are you?? You look fantastic!! How was Manumission this year? Of course...I'd love to have dinner... BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Oh hold on Paul, completely forgot..here's some crap music for all you lovely Cheonan people to listen to this week...

Lazyboy- Police Dog's Bonfire Beverley Knight- Come as you are A Guy Called Gerald- Voodoo Ray 2005